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Domestic Violence in Simple Terms

what does domestic violence look like

I can remember the days before I fully realized that I was in an abusive relationship. I knew something in my marriage was not right. I would ask myself, “What does domestic violence look like? Am I being abused?” 

Have you ever seen those posters on the stalls of public bathroom doors? You know, the ones where they ask you if you are being abused? I used to see these posters frequently, while I was married to my abusive ex, and these posters always made me stop for a minute and think, “Is this ME?” 

Unfortunately, seconds later I dismissed the idea because domestic violence seemed too scary of an experience to be happening to this Christian girl. 

Domestic violence, in simple terms, is a pattern of toxic or harmful behaviours that your partner (spouse, common-law) does to you, to maintain power and control over you. 

It is important to know what domestic violence looks like. Then you can confirm if you are experiencing domestic violence in your own relationship (or in a loved one’s relationship), and then act accordingly. 

Domestic violence is NOT a normal characteristic in a healthy marriage.  

The Many Faces of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is displayed in multiple forms including physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and intimidation, financial abuse, spiritual abuse, abandonment, verbal abuse and threats, neglect, and stalking. It is common to experience multiple forms of abuse in the same abusive relationship. 

I experienced all of these!

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse means you are being physically harmed by your husband. This includes punching, kicking, slapping, pushing etc.  

In my situation, I experienced some less common forms of physical abuse such as posturing (puffing himself up to appear larger than me to intimidate me), restraining me (preventing me from moving), blocking (making himself a barrier to trap me) and driving recklessly. 

Most people do not think of reckless driving as abusive, but my ex used to do it to intimidate me and assert control. Despite the fact that I would cry and beg him to stop because I was afraid. He continued this behaviour anyways. 

The most dangerous form of physical abuse is strangulation.

Ladies, please take strangulation seriously as it’s a severe form of physical abuse and a lethal form of assault. To read more about strangulation and the different types of domestic violence, in more detail, click here. 

Emotional Abuse

Emotional Abuse includes belittling and degrading you both in private and/or public, intimidation, manipulation, gaslighting, threatening to leave or abandon you, using gestures or actions to attack your self-esteem and self-worth, and coercion. Emotional abuse causes you to feel crazy, question yourself and what your reality is (gaslighting).

Personally, I found emotional abuse to be the worst form of abuse I experienced because it crushed me from the inside out. There were no bruises on the outside to “prove” how broken I was, which is why I deem emotional abuse the ‘silent killer.’ 

women in black and white looking down

There were no bruises on the outside to “prove” how broken I was, which is why I deem emotional abuse the ‘silent killer.’

Verbal Abuse

Verbal Abuse is toxic language that is used to degrade, belittle and/or threaten you. It is common for verbal abuse to be the first form of abuse in an abusive relationship. 

When he was angry, my ex would call me every bad name you can think of, which was quite shocking. When I first met him, he called me ‘dumbass’ in a joking manner and I took it as a joke. I did not see it as crossing a boundary or being disrespectful, which shows you how poor my boundaries were at that time! 

The abuse began as verbal, then escalated to more severe forms of abuse over time. Don’t dismiss verbal abuse!

Sexual Abuse

Sexual Abuse occurs when your partner uses sex to exploit you and/or force sex on you. This could look like your husband forcing you to perform sexual acts which you do not want to. 

We rarely hear of husbands withholding sex from their wives, but this is abusive as well. My husband would punish me by withholding sex from me, or telling me to “go get a boyfriend to deal with your issue.” He knew I was against being unfaithful in marriage, so such a statement was a slap in my face.  

I felt so lonely, unseen and unloved in these moments. 

Financial Abuse

Has your husband ever stolen money from you? Or prevented you from getting a job, buying necessities for yourself and/or the children, or opening a bank account? If so, you have been financially abused.

I believe every woman should have a bank account, and a bank card, as you never know what the future holds. Even if your husband is a saint, if he unexpectedly passes away and you have no financial credibility you have done yourself a disservice. 

Spiritual Abuse

As Christian women, we need to take some time and unpack spiritual abuse. Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. Your partner may use scripture, religious traditions or practices to control and coerce you.

What does this look like? 

A common example of spiritual abuse is when a husband uses the word submit in a manipulative manner. The intent is to control their wife and manipulate her into doing what he wants her to do. 

The most common scripture that is misused by abusive husbands (and some pastors!) is Ephesians 5:24 AMP,

But as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives should be subject to their husbands in everything [respecting both their position as protector and their responsibility to God as head of the house].”

An abusive husband twists this verse to justify his behaviour. The wife (who wants to please God and avoid more abuse at the hand of their husband) gives in to his demands and/or toxic behaviours. 

man with submit text

Spiritual abuse also looks like your husband preventing you from attending church. Especially if you have a good support network at church. 

Remember, it is common to experience isolation from family and friends if you are a victim of domestic violence. So naturally, you can expect an abusive spouse to discourage or stop you from being around positive people…or people who have figured him out! 

Stay connected to our ministry if you are interested in reading more about spiritual abuse. I will write a separate article on spiritual abuse in the future!

Abandonment

Let’s talk about abandonment. I can recall how my ex abandoned me numerous times throughout our marriage. It damaged me greatly, as I already had an existing fear of abandonment. 

girl alone in restaurant
Photo by Wyron A

One time, he got angry with me at a restaurant. Instead of working it out, he got up from the table and left me sitting there. I watched as he drove himself home. 

I was shocked. 

He had no regard for how I was getting home that night. 

I walked part of the way home (in the dark) until I came across a taxi driver, who was gracious enough to drive me home. I did not have my wallet or cell phone with me. 

There were other times when he would up and leave me for days at a time, and not tell me when he would return. I remember laying on the couch, numb, and fearful of what would happen next. 

This isn’t love.

This isn’t love.

Threats

Threats are abusive because they are both verbally and mentally damaging. Does your husband threaten to hurt you? Or your pets or possessions? Does he threaten to leave or divorce you? Threats are part of a power game, and he is grabbing for control. 

Think about it, why wouldn’t you do what he wanted if he threatened to hurt you? Your dog? Or child?! 

Do not excuse this behaviour. He knows what he is doing. 

Stalking

If you have experienced being stalked, you know how mentally torturing it is to not know when he will pop up next.

Stalking is common to experience after you leave the relationship. Your ex may show up at your work, school, children’s school, home or other common places you visit, like a grocery store. 

Pay attention to the frequency and severity of the stalking behaviour, and document it if you feel you need to. You never know if you may need a protection order to keep yourself safe in the future. 

Please remember that abuse can continue after you leave. You are vulnerable and at high risk for experiencing an escalation in his abusive behaviours, because he is losing control.

The Impacts of Domestic Violence

Ladies, it is really important that you know what domestic violence looks like in a marriage. If you don’t know what you are experiencing, you won’t be able to take action to keep yourself safe or make decisions to change your life. 

Living in an abusive environment impacts your physical health because you are living in fight or flight mode. Your body handles stress in different ways.

Obviously, if you are being physically abused you may experience broken bones, bruises, burns etc, but stress hormones affect your body as well. 

According to healthline.com, chronic stress can affect your physical health with headaches, weakened immune system, high blood pressure, sexual dysfunction and/or fertility problems. 

Personally, my mental health took the biggest hit from living in survival mode for so many years. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

It took me years to overcome these mental barriers. I still experience anxiety for seasons and experience triggers now and then.

However, God helped me heal and overcome so much, and I thank Him I am no longer as sick as I used to be!

If you have children you need to think about the intergenerational trauma that results from domestic violence in the home. I thank God I thought of this early on and refused to have kids with him, in fear my kids would be damaged by living in such an environment. 

Children are smart. They hear and see more than we think they do. 

How would you feel if your son treated his future wife as your husband treats you? Or if your daughter was abused by her future husband because she thought abuse was normal in relationships? I don’t say this to shame, but rather help you think of all the impacts domestic violence can have on you and your life.

Trauma can be passed through the generations. However, you can stop the cycle today. 

Don’t Be Afraid To Connect

I hope I have shed some light on the question, What does domestic violence look like? Even though domestic violence can be defined in simple terms, everyone’s situation is different and often complicated to navigate. 

Don’t be afraid to research more, talk to a professional or connect with our ministry if you are being abused and need some support. Domestic violence has a large impact on you as a person, on your children, your family and on your future. As I stated earlier, you can stop the cycle of violence. 

Share this article with other survivors, and family and friends to help us raise awareness of domestic violence and educate the church (links above). 

We are stronger together.

He is faithful.

If you are in Canada here are some links for more information and support regarding domestic violence:

Government of Canada (family violence services)

To locate a shelter or domestic violence support near you click here

For family justice information click here

If you would like to access a live chat for support click here (international)

To access a Ride-Sharing (Uber/Lyft) Sexual Assault Safety Guide click here

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