Healing After Abuse: Understanding Grief When Leaving a Toxic Relationship

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A young woman with long dark hair and tan skin stands near a sunlit window, gazing outside with a thoughtful expression. She wears a simple white tank top and leans slightly against the window frame, her arms crossed. Warm golden light filters through sheer curtains, casting a soft glow on her face and the surrounding room. Represents Healing After Abuse

Healing after abuse and leaving an abusive relationship is supposed to feel like freedom—right?! So why does it sometimes feel like grief instead?

If you’ve ever left an abusive partner and found yourself feeling sad, confused, or even missing them, you’re not alone.

I want you to hear this loud and clear:

You are not weird for grieving someone who hurt you.
It’s normal to feel loss, even after leaving something toxic.
You can heal, and your grief won’t last forever.

Lets talk about why grief happens after abuse, why it feels so messy, and how to move forward with hope. If you would like to view the Youtube video version on this topic, Why Am I Grieving?, click here.

Why Do I Feel Grief After Leaving an Abusive Relationship?

When you finally leave an abusive partner, you expect to feel relief, happiness, and freedom. And yes, there’s part of you that feels that way. But then, the grief creeps in—and it can be so confusing!

You’re grateful to be out but still feel empty.

You know it was toxic but still miss certain parts.

You’re moving forward but also feeling lost.

This is because you’re not just grieving the person—you’re grieving everything connected to them.

Grieving the Dreams You Had Together

A digital illustration of a woman sitting alone on a park bench at dusk, looking at a faded, transparent image of a couple in wedding attire holding hands in the distance. The scene represents grieving lost dreams of marriage and a future together. The color palette is soft and warm, with earthy tones, and a touch of golden light breaking through the clouds to symbolize hope. The atmosphere is emotional but not overwhelming, reflecting quiet sadness and reflection.

You weren’t just in a relationship with this person—you had dreams, hopes, and a future planned together.

Maybe you talked about getting married.
Maybe you had a five-year plan.
Maybe you already started building a life together.

And now, those dreams are gone.

That’s a real loss, and it deserves to be acknowledged and grieved.

Grieving the Hope That Things Would Change

Maybe you held onto hope that they would change.

There may have been moments of kindness that made you believe in them. Or you saw small improvements and you thought things were getting better. Maybe you thought that if you loved them enough, they would finally treat you right.

A digital illustration of a woman standing in front of a doorway filled with warm light, hesitating to step through. Behind her, a shadowy figure of a man fades into the background, symbolizing the hope she once held onto that he would change. The scene conveys a mix of longing and realization, with soft, earthy tones and a warm glow in the doorway representing a new beginning. The atmosphere is reflective, capturing both sadness and the courage to move forward."

Now that you’re gone, it’s not just the relationship you’re mourning—it’s the hope that things could have been different.

Grieving the People You Lost Along the Way

Leaving an abusive relationship doesn’t just mean losing your partner. Sometimes, it means losing friends and family too. And this can be devastating.

A digital illustration of a woman standing alone in a dimly lit room, looking at a group of people in the distance who are turned away from her, engaged in conversation. The scene represents the isolation and loss of friendships and family connections after leaving an abusive relationship. The color palette consists of muted earthy tones with a soft glow around the woman, symbolizing resilience and the hope of finding true support. The atmosphere is reflective and emotional, capturing both sadness and quiet strength.

Perhaps some people didn’t believe you when you told them what happened.

Maybe some chose to stay friends with your abuser instead of supporting you.

Or maybe some told you “It wasn’t that bad,” making you feel even more alone.

Losing these connections hurts. It’s okay to grieve them. But remember—the people who don’t believe you are not your people. The right people will stand with you.

Grieving the Version of Yourself You Lost

Abuse doesn’t just hurt your heart—it changes how you see yourself. In my experience, it’s not possible to go back to being the same person you were before the trauma.

Did you lose self-confidence along the way? Maybe you don’t trust yourself anymore after making excuses for your ex for so long. Don’t be afraid if you feel like a completely different person than you were before the abuse. This is all normal.

Maybe you spent years in that relationship. That time is gone, and that realization can be painful. But hear me when I say this:

God can restore what was stolen from you.

No, you can’t go back and undo the past, but you can move forward with wisdom, strength, and hope. God can rewrite your story from today forward. Personally, I find ALOT of hope in this truth.

Grieving the Physical & Emotional Toll

Abuse affects your body as much as your mind.

Chronic pain
Anxiety or depression
Constant exhaustion from survival mode
Changes in your physical appearance due to stress

Some survivors even grieve how they used to look. Maybe you feel like you’ve aged faster. Maybe stress caused weight gain or hair loss.

But here’s the good news—healing changes your body too.

As you recover, your body, mind, and soul will begin to heal.

How to Heal While Grieving

So now that we know why you feel grief, how do you start moving forward?

Here are some things that helped me—maybe they’ll help you too.

Journalling Thoughts, Feelings & Prayers

Writing things down helps process your emotions.

Write letters to yourself about what you’re feeling.

Write prayers to God—ask Him for comfort and guidance.

Write down the things you are grieving so you can start releasing them.

Don’t forget to record your hopes and dreams. It’ll increase your level of hope and focus. Check out 7 Ways You Can Find Hope for help increasing hope in your life.

A surreal digital illustration of a woman sitting in a dimly lit room, writing in her journal. From the pages, glowing golden words float into the air, symbolizing the release of emotions and prayers to God. The atmosphere is warm and introspective, with soft candlelight illuminating her face. The scene represents journaling as a powerful tool for healing and emotional processing. The color palette is earthy and muted, with touches of gold to convey hope and spiritual connection.

If you don’t like writing, try recording voice notes or videos for yourself. Whatever helps you get those emotions out of your head and onto something tangible.

Meditate on Scripture & Who God Says You Are

The Bible is full of promises about your identity and healing.

“I am a child of God.” (John 1:12)
“I am never forsaken.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)
“He is my Healer.” (Exodus 15:26, Psalm 147:3)

If you feel lost, go back to Scripture. The enemy wants you to believe you’re broken beyond repair, but God says otherwise. Remember that healing involves renewing your mind and reclaiming your identity in Christ in order to rebuild your life.

Surround Yourself with the Right People

Not everyone will understand your grief. That’s okay.

Find at least one person who does. Whether it’s:
A trusted friend or mentor
A therapist or counselor
A support group for survivors

You don’t have to heal alone. I have a private online support group for Christian women who want to heal in community. If you would like to join you can here. We would love to have you!

You deserve support.

It’s Okay to Grieve

A digital illustration of a group of diverse women sitting together in a cozy living room, sharing their stories and supporting each other. Some are holding hands, others are offering comforting gestures. The warm lighting and earthy tones create an atmosphere of healing, community, and shared strength. A subtle glow around them symbolizes divine presence and the power of walking through grief together.

You are not weak for grieving.
You are not weird for missing someone who hurt you.
You are not alone in this.

Grief is a step in the healing process. You can’t skip it—you have to move through it. And when you do, healing follows.

God sees you. He loves you. And He is walking this journey with you.

Have you experienced grief after leaving an abusive relationship? Let me know in the comments—I’d love to support you.

Need help processing your grief?

Check out my Renew & Reclaim Planner Journal to guide you through this healing journey. I hope it blesses you.

He is Faithful,

Healing After Abuse: Understanding Grief When Leaving a Toxic Relationship